This last year has been a little bit of a roller coaster for me. I mentioned this a little bit in my post about the new year, and I´ll take you back about five years to try to make some more sense out of this for you.
The perfect future
All my life I have found my way. I have had a strong will and every choice I´ve made has been logical and worked out well for me in the end. When deciding to study human resources I knew it was right for me, it just made sense based on my skills, interests and experiences so far. I spent three years at the University, working part time within the area of my studies, networking strategically and making plans for my future career. Not once did I doubt my choice, on the opposite it just started to make more and more sense. My first job was at the orgaisation that I had set my eyes on, and I was so happy to nail that job as my first one after graduation.
But it just never felt completely right.
A good girl
I did an awesome job, more than I should and had to. More than I got paid to do. I was a good girl. I convinced myself that it would get better, that I would get the credit I deserved for the job that I did. That I would get the career opportunities that I longed for. That my managers would recognise my struggles and hard work. That that nagging feeling of the uncomfortable organisational culture was going to go away. That my inability to trust some of my colleagues was just all in my head. That my self doubt and feeling of not being good enough would pass if I just tried harder.
Then I hit the wall. It just turned everything upside down for me. It was the end of my career.
Or so I thought. I did not identify with being someone who hits the wall. This did not fit in to my perfect career plans. All of the sudden I had to put everything on hold and just practice selflove and rest, instead of the constant accomplishments that I was used to. It was a hard time, I was confused and sad, but I managed to find my way back to myself, to loving myself and to being truly happy with the small things in life.
What I didn´t find was my way back to loving my job and the idea of a career. I never managed to feel safe at my job, or appreciated, or comfortable with just being myself. I am not going to go in to any more details about this, but things happened that affected me very negatively. When I left that job in December this year my ability to feel trust towards an employer had taken a hard turn. And I´m still in doubt. I am doubting my choice to work with human resources. I am doubting that I am good enough. I am doubting that I will ever feel true joy in working.
The perfect career
I am soon starting a new job. It is at an organisation that I am so thrilled about, and the job is the kind I dreamed about when studying. And I feel like – this is it. This is when I will know for sure wether this life is for me or not. I am doubting everything, I am scared, I just wanna split and run. Go live on a beach somewhere and not have to deal with the whole thing. I am also excited and I feel blessed to have gotten this opportunity. This could be the start of my career, for real. Or the end.
All I really know so far is that I will not let doubt dictate the terms for how to live my life. I will force myself to take a leap of faith, and however it turns out I am going to trust that it´s for the best. I also know that I am not going to sacrifice happiness and health for the idea of the perfect career. I want to have a career to be happy and healthy.
This is my most personal post yet. I just felt the need to share my thoughts and my learnings on this topic, and hopefully you can take something with you from it.
Have you had a similar experience? Please share your story and your thoughts about this in the comments!